


Letting Go

by sanctuary_for_all



Category: Stitchers (TV)
Genre: Angst, Chapter 2 fixes it, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, F/M, Fluff, In chapter 1, So if you're looking for horrible angst, Super Angst, it could be its own fic, stop at chapter 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 16:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4443482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Linus died first.</p><p>(Alternate universe + episode tag to 1x08 "Fire In The Hole")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Linus died first.

It was simple math - he'd gotten sick first, whether through proximity or a weakened immune system, and nothing they'd tried had managed to make the virus deviate from its timetable. By the end, Camille had given up helping with their increasingly futile efforts and went back to just holding him during his final struggle, rocking him gently and making plans that they both knew they'd never be able to follow through with.

Cameron watched them through, expression as broken as Kirsten had ever seen it. She could feel it lodged in her own chest, like razor-edged shards of glass. "Go," she told him, voice gentle. "I'll keep looking."

He tore his gaze away from the glass. "No, it's okay." The words were a rasp, sickness and grief stealing the hope from his voice. "Have we—"

"Cam." Kirsten held his gaze, though it took effort. It hurt her to look at him, sometimes, to know that he was sicker that he pretended he was. She could still feel the heat from his fever under her fingerrtips. "You should be with him."

He swallowed, a spasm of pure pain crossing his face, then he nodded. He headed for the door, then stopped and turned around to look at her. "You should call Liam," he said quietly, meeting her eyes.

She shook her head, not wanting to call up her earlier argument about not dying like this. With Linus dying outside, it felt wrong. "I'll keep looking."

Later, Kirsten would know the exact moment Linus died from the sound of Camille's heartbroken sobs. She looked up to see her half collapsed, head buried against Linus's chest. Cameron had his arms around both of them, despite the tears streaming down his own face.

Kirsten sat frozen inside the office, eyes burning and unable to look away.

000

Camille died next.

The math was against it. It took her longer than almost anyone to show symptoms - she should have been one of the last ones to succumb to the flu. She had more determination than anyone but Kirsten. She should be /fighting./

Kirsten explained all this to Camille, tears in her eyes, but the other woman just gave her a tired smile. "Sorry, babe," she breathed, not enough strength left to even lift her head from the conference room table. "Sometimes the heart just gives out."

Kirsten knew she didn't mean that physically, wanted to rail at her for being so unscientific. A part of her, though, understood all too well – one of the only friends she'd ever had was dying right in front of her. "He wouldn't want you to do this," she tried, voice ragged. No matter how much distance she could muster once someone was gone, the leaving still hurt like all the pain in the world.

Camille managed a faintly exasperated look. "Don't make it sound like I'm throwing myself on a dagger. I don't want that anywhere near my tombstone." Then her eyes filled. "He'd be making some kind of Han and Leia joke right now, wouldn't he?" When Kirsten nodded, throat tight, Camille blinked back the tears. "How can I miss him so much? It hasn't even been a day, damn it."

Over the top of her head, Kirsten watched Cameron through the window. He was pacing back and forth in front of the wipe board, trying desperately to figure out what was missing in the formula. She could see from here how sick he was, could all too easily picture him where Camille was now.

She had so few people, and now she was going to lose them all.

Kirsten closed her eyes, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she bent down and pressed a kiss against the side of Camille's head. "I'll miss you that much," she whispered, laying her head against Camille's and wrapped am arm around her shoulders.

"Sure, _now_ you get sentimental." Still, her fingers inched over until they were touching Kirsten's. "You're another person I screwed up with. The two people who mean the most in the world to me, and I waste all that time pushing them away." Her cheeks were as wet as Kirsten's. "We could have been amazing friends."

Kirsten swallowed. "We already were."

She was still there when Camille finally slipped away, one last exhaled breath and Linus's name on her lips.

000

They all died, one by one.

Ayo. Maggie. Even Tim, who stayed symptom-free for the longest time then collapsed as if the virus's entire infection cycle had hit him at once. It was an unrelenting clock, ticking down, and if this was what time felt like then Kirsten was grateful she'd been without it for so long.

Somehow, Cameron held on. He was with her for every death, the touch of his hand the only thing keeping her upright sometimes. They kept chipping away at the problem - the hat trick hadn't worked, for them or the doctor, but there had to be something they'd missed. They had lost so much, but if she could save Cameron it would be enough.

She could see how much he was struggling. Given when he'd started showing symptoms, he should have... he shouldn't... he....

He was holding on for her, math be damned. Kirsten knew it as well as she knew her own name, and she refused to fail him.

000

The completed enzyme they needed spun on the computer screen in front of her. They'd been so close, only a chemical shift away. Relief made her more lightheaded them either the exhaustion or the fever. It would be harder, without Ayo, but between the two of them she was sure they could manage it. "Cameron!" She pushed herself up out of her chair. "We need to-"

Her heart stopped at the sight of Cameron slumped down against the wall, eyes closed. "No," she breathed, what little air she had left punched out of her lungs as she stumbled to his side. "No no no no no. Wake up." She shook him, vision blurring as she laid her face against his hands. "Cameron, wake up. Wake up. Please!"

His eyes opened. as much as he could manage. "Sorry, Stretch," he rasped. "Looks like you're gonna have to finish this one without me."

"No." The word shook, but she tried to put as much will as she had left into it. "We're so close, Cameron. You've got to stay with me just a little bit longer."

"Wish I could." He smiled a little at that, wistful and sad, and the jagged bits inside her chest ripped and bled. "Wish a lot of things, with you."

He tried to lift his hand, to reach for her, but he no longer had the strength. Choking back a sob, she pulled him close. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Too scared." He rubbed his cheek against her shoulder, and she squeezed her eyes shut when she realized it was an attempt at comfort. "Seems stupid now."

"I was scared, too," Kirsten whispered, the tears flowing freely now.

"You?" Cameron wheezed. "I didn't think you were scared of anything."

She'd known the whole time why she hadn't said yes to Liam, why she hadn't called him no matter how close to the end they'd come. She did care about Liam, but Cameron was... essential. He'd changed her life, just by being in it, and had made her wonder if there could be more to the world than she'd ever imagined. But she'd wanted to be sure, hoping that somehow her heart could give her the same certainty as numbers. That Cameron's could.

Now, she was more sure than anything. But it was too late.

"Not most things." She pressed her lips against his hair. "You're the reason I didn't say yes to Liam."

"I'm not sure if that's the best or worst thing I've ever heard." His voice was even weaker now, fading along with what little strength had left. "Are you going to say yes now?"

"No." She squeezed her eyes shut. "Not unless you have a question to ask me."

"Oh, Sunshine." There shouldn't be so much pain in words she could barely hear. "Just tell me you're going to try and get yourself out of here."

Everything inside her rebelled against the thought. "I can't respond to that." She could barely breathe, but it had nothing to do with the virus. "We've already had our last fight."

He made a heartbroken sound. "I love you. I should have told you that every day."

Kirsten held him more tightly, as if that would somehow be enough to keep him with her. "I love you, too."

They stayed like that until she felt the last breath leave his body. Then she very carefully adjusted their position so she was the one resting against the wall, Cameron's head still against her shoulder. Once they were settled again, she finally let herself go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously folks - if you came in here for some (hopefully) soul-crushing angst. Now is the time to get off the ride. 
> 
> If you need a hug, though, head on to chapter 2. I wrote it more for me than anything, but I thought some of you out there might appreciate it.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirsten shot upright, heart pounding and disoriented by the sudden lack of weight in her arms. It was a shock when she realized she was back in her bed, Liam stretched out next to her. She'd shifted away from him in the middle of the night, moved out from underneath the arm he'd tried to hold her with, and now he stayed sleeping even when she couldn't.

She'd told him it was a lab accident. A few chemicals spilled, nothing serious. Camille had gone home with Linus, which meant that there'd been no one around who could contradict her story. Liam didn't know her well enough to be able to tell that she was lying.

Cameron would have called her on it right away, wearing that little smirk that was somehow both infuriating and absolutely wonderful.

Kirsten tried hard to call it to mind, needing something to chase away the heavy cold that had settled in her chest, but all she could think of was the look on his face when he'd tried to smile for her there at the end. She tried to tell herself that she'd made it up, that the final words she'd imagined for him were nothing more than her own secret hope, but the truth was it didn't matter. The clawing grief she'd felt had been utterly genuine, even if it hadn't been real. Her subconscious had known what she'd never been able to admit out loud - losing Cameron was the worst thing she could imagine.

And there were so many ways she could lose him.

Silently, she slipped out of bed, pulled on a pair of Camille's sneakers she'd left by the door, and grabbed her wallet and keys. It was past 3 a.m. and she'd barely slept, but driving still seemed like a safer thought than closing her eyes.

Besides, she had someplace she needed to be.

000

Kirsten stood outside Cameron's door, phone to her ear. She'd expected to have to call him at least twice before he woke up enough to answer the phone, but he picked up halfway through the second ring. Apparently, he was having just as much trouble sleeping as she was. "Kirsten? Is everything okay?"

The concern in his voice was enough to make her chest ache. "It will be once you open your door."

"What-" He cut himself off, hanging up on her, and she could hear the sounds of movement from inside the apartment. When he opened the door, his eyes were wide. "What are you doing here?" There was no accusation or recrimination in the question, only shock. "It's 3 a.m." His brow furrowed as another realization hit. "You're wearing pajamas." He met her eyes, worried. "Are you having nightmares, too?"

That threw her, leaving her voice less steady than she'd wanted it to be. "I'd rather talk about this inside."

He winced. "Shit, yes, of course. I'm sorry." He ushered her inside, hand warm on her back, before shutting the door behind them both. "Sit down, please." He gestured to the couch before heading to his kitchen area, opening the cupboard. "Can I get you something? Coffee's probably not a good idea for either of us right now, but I have tea."

Kirsten let herself watch him move, telling hersef that silence didn't change the truth. It would come out anyway, possibly at the worst conceivable opportunity. "You're the reason I didn't say yes to Liam."

There was a crash as a mug slipped out of Cameron's hand and hit the floor, shattering. He was frozen, like her words were too much for him to process safely, then he dropped to his knees and began to gather the broken pieces. "You don't have to protect my feelings, you know." Every word was strained, no matter how hard he tried to pretend otherwise. "I'm a big boy. I can handle it."

She stared at him, not sure what had just happened. "How is that protecting your feelings?"

He stood, carrying the shards to the garbage and dropping them in. He didn't meet her eyes. "I'm not going to be one of _those_ guys, okay? I didn't realize you knew how I felt, which is... which is fine, but I'm not going to waste away and die if you marry someone else." He sighed, sounding unbearably tired. "I'll have your back, just like always."

The final moments of the nightmare came back with sudden, perfect clarity. Her throat tightened. "Cam." Her voice was thick. "That's not what I meant."

That surprised him enough that he met her eyes, the confusion on his face slowly melting into something soft and stunned. "Oh." The word was quiet, like he'd lost his air at some point, and almost ... awed? "I'm an idiot."

Kirsten smiled at him, eyes stinging. "Kind of." She'd always thought that a person's heart threatening to burst out of their chest was a ridiculously exaggerated metaphor, but apparently it was much more accurate than she'd always thought. "I wasn't going to mention it."

He grinned at her, bright and beautiful. She wasn't sure who moved first - it didn't really matter - but in the next blink they'd both crossed the distance between them to reach for each other. The kiss was uncoordinated, a little desperate, and made her feel like her entire body had been lit up from the inside.

When they broke apart, he pulled her close and just held her. She closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against his shoulder. "Can I stay?" she asked quietly, "I'm not trying to rush you, but Liam's back at my house. I'll talk to him in the morning, but—"

"You'd rather not have to sleep on your own couch. You don't even have to ask." He pulled back enough so he could look at her face, understanding and a little rueful. "As much as I'd like to say you're not rushing me, though, I'd probably better stay on my own couch until you get things settled with Liam."

"On top of the covers," she countered. She didn't want to push his boundaries, but the couch would be too far away. "You were a perfect gentleman last time."

He gave her an amused look. "The circumstances were a hell of a lot different, last time."

She sobered, leaning her forehead against his. "You were right about the nightmares."

Cameron's expression grew softer and more solemn. "On top of the covers, then." He gave her a gentle kiss. "Who knows - maybe this way we'll both actually get some sleep."

Kirsten felt a final shiver from the memory of the nightmare, but she shook it off. "And then we'll wake up," she said firmly. "Together."

He smiled at her, and everything felt right. "Absolutely."

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my weekly posts and original short fiction on my [blog](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


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